Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Thought for the Day




More Limericks

Some more limericks as a result of some discussions after the last limerick post.


If you haven’t seen your favourites, it may be that they were posted in the past. Go to www.bytesdaily.blogspot.com.au and use the search function to search Limericks.

One of the following is mine, see if you can work out which . . .
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A very sad poet was Jenny.
Her limericks weren't worth a penny.
In technique they were sound,
Yet somehow she found
Whenever she tried to write any
She always wrote one line too many.

This is similar to:

A frustrated fellow named Stan,
Whose limericks weren't according to plan.
If you ask him "What's wrong?"
He'll say "They're too long,
Because I always try to cram as many words into the last line as I possibly can."

There once was a man from Darfur
Whose limericks all stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He just said "Because."

There once was a man from the sticks,
Who loved to write limericks,
But he gave up the sport
Because he wrote them too short.

A limerick of classic proportion
Has rhyme, meter, and a portion
Of humor quite lewd
And a frightfully crude
Impossible sexual contortion.

There was an old man from Darjeeling
On a train ride from London to Ealing.
The sign on the door
Said “Don't spit on the floor”,
So he carefully spat on the ceiling.

Your editor has frequent late nights
As he thinks, researches and writes,
Remembering as I sit
That tempus fugit,
To bring you each daily Bytes.

Courtesy of my father in law, Noel:

On the chest of a barmaid at Yale
Were tattooed the prices of ale,
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
The same information in braille.

There was a young lady from Hyde
Who ate a green apple and died.
The apple fermented
Inside the lamented,
And made cider inside her inside.

There once was a soldier named Fisk
Who said, when the fighting got brisk,
"I'm sorry to say
That I cannot stay. 
I've got only one *"

(Think about it).

There once was a [person or place].
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space].

These two are repeats:

From the crypt of Justin St Giles
Came a scream that resounded for miles.
Said the vicar "Goodness gracious!
Has Father Ignatius
Forgotten the Bishop has piles?"

A preoccupied vegan named Hugh
picked up the wrong sandwich to chew.
He took a big bite
before spitting, in fright,
"OMG, WTF, BBQ!"



Tuesday, February 20, 2018

Thought for the Day



Readers Write

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A mixed bag of comments over the last week.  Thanks for the input, people.
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From Maria B:
Hello Otto

I loved Tarzan as a child but my father adored him!! Even with the language barrier (Dad didn’t speak much English in 1960’s) but he knew exactly what Tarzan was going to do.

I have to admit I like your quote of the day “You are what you believe yourself to be” Paulo Coelho – now to put my hat on and start believing……

Love Maria
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Whilst on the topic of Tarzan, from Graham E:
Hi Mr O,

Further to your Tarzan yell piece, the most famous performer with the yell after Weissmuller was Carol Burnett:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FJ5c1cw_UNE

Cheers

G
Thanks Graham, but her yell is not a patch on Johnny Weismuller’s:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MwHWbsvgQUE
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Maria also sent me an email on the poem Buttprints in the Sand:
Hello Otto

I loved the poems but the one that really struck me was the butt one!

How true it is, fight or give up….

Love Maria
Tim B feels differently:
Hi Otto,

I like the first post better. As a believer I don’t rely on God to always carry me. I believe He gives me choices and to make it on my own, with Him beside me. If there are times when I need to get over a hurdle, He is always there. Just me.

Tim

PS. Don’t know why your veins and arteries crystallize reading this poem, mine didn’t reading the second post. Maybe you need to find God, it may give you a little peace.
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Brett B took me to ask for the caption on one of the photos:
Interesting post, as always, but a mistake: the penultimate picture (labeled Saint Paul, Minnesota, Lucy, Woodstock) is really Woodstock on the back of the bench, sitting on the bench reading is Marcie, and Peppermint Patty is in the background, kicking the football.

Brett

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From Charles X in respect of the following Audrey Hepburn pic:


Dear Otto

The photograph of Audrey Hepburn proves what goes around comes around.

The kitchen bin behind her is lined with newspaper. In the 1960s, before glad bags were invented/marketed, households had metal or plastic kitchen bins which were lined with newspaper. Most garbage bins were made of metal, although some later versions were made of plastic. I recall that it was my job as a young teenager to line the metal garbage bin with newspaper following the council garbage collection which occurred twice per week.

Scraps were wrapped up in newspaper before they were placed in either the kitchen bin or the household garbage bin. Plastic was rarely used. I suspect that plastic was more expensive than paper in those days.

It may be the reason that newspapers were published twice per day! Maybe plastic is the real cause of the demise of the journalists!

Charles
Charles is probably the only male reader who looks at an upskirts of Audrey Hepburn and notices the garbage bin in the background.



Sunday, February 18, 2018

Quote for the Day



Trash Art

I have previously posted pics and stories of art works made out of garbage and discarded items. Here are some more examples:
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Bordallo II:

Bordaio II, 37, is a Portuguese artist using trash to highlighty waste issues. Having started as an illegal graffiti artist, he is now involved in what he calls “Big Trash Animals”.   This is a series of artworks that aims to draw attention to waste production, materials that are not reused, pollution and its effect on the planet.  The idea is to depict nature itself, in this case animals, out of materials that are responsible for its destruction. These works are built with end-of-life materials: the majority found in wastelands, abandoned factories or randomly and some are obtained from companies that are going through a recycling process.  Damaged bumpers, burnt garbage cans, tyres and appliances are just some of the objects used to bring home the message.

Gallery:







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Mandy Barker makes photographic murals out of what she calls SOUP, the name given to plastic debris suspended in the ocean. The plastic objects she photographs are salvaged from beaches around the world. 

Soup: 500+ is made from more than 500 bits of plastic debris found in the digestive tract of a (dead) albatross chick in the North Pacific Gyre (aka the Great Garbage Patch).

Penalty, from the Penalty collection, is made up of 597 washed-up soccer balls. Finding so many flotsam toy soccer balls took the artist and 47 members of the public a whole four months. These ones were collected from 87 different beaches on four countries and seven islands around the United Kingdom.
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Chris Jordan (born 1963) is an American artist and photographer based in Seattle, Washington. Many of Jordan's works are created from photographs of garbage and mass consumption.


On Midway Atoll, a remote cluster of islands more than 2,000 miles from the nearest continent, global detritus ends up in the stomachs of thousands of baby albatrosses. The nesting chicks are fed lethal quantities of plastic by their parents, who mistake the floating trash for food as they forage over the vast Pacific Ocean. Nothing was added or moved in these documentary photographs vy Chris Jordan, the pieces of plastic simply became visible as the birds decayed.

“For me, kneeling over their carcasses is like looking into a macabre mirror. These birds reflect back an appallingly emblematic result of the collective trance of our consumerism and runaway industrial growth. Like the albatross, we first-world humans find ourselves lacking the ability to discern anymore what is nourishing from what is toxic to our lives and our spirits.” 
- Chris Jordan
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Artist Sayaka Ganz uses a variety of discarded items salvaged from garbage to create vibrant sculptures of animals, fish and birds.






Note the use of washing machine doors as eyes and computer mouse teeth
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Robert Bradford uses discarded toys to make engaging sculptures:











Saturday, February 17, 2018

Thought for the Day



TV and Film Cliches


ALL OF LIFE MYSTERIES ARE ON YOUR TV  - 
50 THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE SCREEN

1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

3. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.

4. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

5. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

6. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

7. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

8. You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

9. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

11. People on TV never finish their drinks.

12. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

13. The Chief of Police is always wrong.

14. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

15. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15 cm.

16. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

17. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

18. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.

19. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

20. Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.

21. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

22. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.

23. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

24. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.

25. All single women have a cat.

26. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

27. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

28. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.

29. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

30. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello? Hello?"

31. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

32. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.

33. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.

34. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

35. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.

36. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

37. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

38. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.

39. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.

40. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.

41. You can always find a chainsaw whenever you're likely to need one.

42. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

43. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.

44. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.

45. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

46. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

47. Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always find a new one.

48. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.

49. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.


50. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.


Quote for the Day



100 Greatest Replies, Responses and Comebacks Continued, 21 – 26

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Because of the subject matter of this continuing series, there must of necessity be repeats of items or quotations posted in the previous 7 years of Bytes. For those who have read them before, hopefully you will find these as enjoyable on a re-read as for the first time.

o-----😊-----o

21. Mandy Rice Davies:


Marilyn "Mandy" Rice-Davies (1944 – 2014) was a British model and topless showgirl best known for her association with Christine Keeler and her role in the Profumo affair, which discredited the Conservative government of British Prime Minister Harold Macmillan in 1963. 

Rice-Davies was never charged with being a prostitute, but Stephen Ward, another key figure in the saga, was found guilty at trial of being her and Keeler's pimp. That trial had been instigated only after the embarrassment caused to the government.

While giving evidence at Ward's trial for living off the avails of prostitution (immoral earnings, in U.K. law) Rice-Davies had it put to her by defence counsel James Burge that Lord Astor (with whom she claimed to have had sexual relations) had denied an affair or having even met her. She replied, "Well (giggle) he would, wouldn’t he?" (often misquoted "Well he would say that, wouldn't he?"). By 1979, this phrase had entered the third edition of the Oxford Dictionary of Quotations, and is occasionally abbreviated as MRDA ("Mandy Rice Davies applies") or referred to as the "Mandy Rice-Davies clause".

Mandy Rice Davies, 1964

“President Trump says that Bannon’s book is crap.” MRDA.

“Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux have announced that they have separated but hope to remain friends.” MRDA

BTW:

At the height of the scandal, the first prime minister of independent Malaya (now Malaysia) Tunku Abdul Rahman arrived in London for a visit. At a reception at Heathrow Airport when asked what he wanted to do first, he replied "I want Mandi" which shocked the reception party because they did not know that "Mandi" means "take a bath" in Malay.

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22. Władysław Kozakiewicz:

In 1980 the Olympics were held in Moscow. The US and various other countries had withdrawn from the games as a protest against Russia’s involvement in Afghanistan, so tensions were high. The Russians felt that their plans and efforts for a spectacular Olympics had been deliberately sabotaged and that they had been humiliated in the eyes of the world. 

In the pole vault, the battle for gold had come down to the Russian competitor, Konstantin Volkov, and the Pole Władysław Kozakiewicz (pronounced Vlad-is-lav Ko-za-kev-ich). At the time Poland was under the domination of the Soviet bloc, in effect Poland was run and controlled by Russia, a fact which the Poles hated with a vengeance.

The battle had come down to Kozakiewicz’s vault. A success would see him take gold, a fail would result in Volkov taking the gold and the Pole the silver.

As he readied himself and psyched for the jump, the Russian crowd in the Moscow stadium booed, jeered, whistled and yelled at Kozakiewicz, who maintained his concentration for the vault. He appeared not to hear them or to be aware of the noise directed towards him.

He made the jump, it was good, at 5.75m, and he secured gold. 

As he rose to his feet after landing, he turned to the hostile Russian crowd and delivered his salute to them:



Such a mannerism has an official title: Bras d’honneur, French for “arm of honour”, as does the middle finger extended, the Doigt d'honneur, “finger of honour”. The finger gesture dates back to Ancient Rome, where it was known as the digitus impudicus (impudent finger). It has also been referred in ancient Greek comedy for insulting another person. The use in other countries is probably due to Roman and Greek influence.

In Poland, Kozakiewicz’s bras d’honneur became known as “Kozakiewicz’s gesture” and photos showed it worldwide, except in the Soviet Union and its satellites.

After the 1980 Olympics ended, the Soviet ambassador to Poland demanded that Kozakiewicz be stripped of his medal over his "insult to the Soviet people". The Polish government replied that, having investigated the alleged insult, it was clear that the gesture had been an involuntary muscle spasm caused by his exertion.

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23. Benjamin Disraeli:


Benjamin Disraeli (1804 – 1881) was a British statesman of the Conservative Party who twice served as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, in 1868 and 1874-1880. He has already featured in this series.



William Gladstone (1809 – 1898) was a British statesman of the Liberal Party. In a career lasting over sixty years, he served for twelve years as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, spread over four terms beginning in 1868 and ending in 1894. 

Disraeli and Gladstone were both politicians of extraordinary ability, but their personalities clashed and they heartily loathed each other.

On one occasion, Disraeli was asked to explain the difference between misfortune and calamity.

He replied:

“The difference between a misfortune and a calamity is this: If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, that would be a calamity.”

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24. Alfred Hitchcock:

In 1943 Hitchcock was directing “Lifeboat” which was released in 1944. 


Mary Anderson was one of the stars of the film.


That's her at the back.  Btw, Hitchcock alwaysd makes a cameo appearance early in his films (early so that viewers are not distracted from watching the film).  There is a limit to including a cameo in a movie that is entirely about people in a lifeboat.  This was his appearance:


During filming, Anderson said to Hitchcock “Which is my best side, do you think?”

Hitchcock replied “You’re sitting on it.”

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25: John F Kennedy:

President John F Kennedy was the skipper of a PT (Patrol Torpedo) boat, PT 109, in WW2.


On the night of 2 August 1943 the destroyer Amagiri, cut through the PT 109 diagonally, knocking Lt. Kennedy down and sending him into the steel bulkhead. 


Two crewmen died. In the morning, having spent the night in the water, they made it to an uninhabited island, Kennedy swimming with a life vest strap of one of the injured men in his teeth. They were rescued on 8 August by islanders. Kennedy was awarded a Purple Heart and Navy / Marine Corps Medal. He was discharged in 1946.

When he ran for President in 1960, much was made of his war record. At one campaign stop he was asked by a young boy “How did you become a war hero?”

His reply:

“It was involuntary. They sank my boat.”

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26. Viv Richards:


Sir Isaac Vivian Alexander Richards (1952 - ), known as Viv Richards, is a former Antiguan cricketer, who represented the West Indies at test and international levels. He is regarded as one of the greatest batsmen of all time. Richards was voted one of the five Cricketers of the Century by a 100-member panel of experts in 2000, along with Sir Donald Bradman, Sir Garfield Sobers, Sir Jack Hobbs and Shane Warne.

English bowler George Thomas, bowled three deliveries that went past Richards and to the keeper, Richards having swung but missed. Thomas walked up the pitch and said to Richards "It's red, round and weighs about five ounces, in case you were wondering. You’re supposed to hit it.”

On the next delivery Richards hit the ball out of the ground into a nearby river. He said to Thomas “You know what it looks like, now go and fetch it.”